10 Reasons Why You Should Ship Kick: A Parody
by blue wigged thespian
Summary: Hi, I'm a rabid Kick fan and I give you the greatest monstrosity that has ever lived in the Kickin' It Verse: reasons to get on the Kick boat of feels. Read at your own risk. Warning: there's a lot of out of character cussing, and possible slash, as well as season two hints. Spoilers ahead.


**AN: Well it was midnight when I was writing this, and I may regret it in the future. But I regretted a lot of my fics and people still like 'em. Anyway, if you're confused, some things are bolded, and underlined, and italicized so they can be distinctive. Before you tell me in a review that this story is offensive or something, just know that this is a parody. A PARODY. It's supposed to be funny... somewhat. It's a parody. I just want to clear that up before someone gets butthurt over this ship and some things. If you know my writing, you know damn well I don't write like this.**

**Keep in mind, I'm a Kick shipper too. So I know what I'm doing. However I don't ship the actors. No. Just no.**

**Now that you're still here because you obviously understand that this is a parody of everything Kick, you can read beyond the line.**

**_Disclaimer: I do not own Kickin' It, but I do own Kickin' Style. So wah._**

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reason #1: 'cause they're good-looking black belts with awesome hair

Warning - contains fan girling, and HP references.

So like, if you're wondering why you should sail the SWASOME ship that is Kick, then you haven't realized what they have in common.

**One, fabulous hair**

Ohmehgewd, have you seen Jack's hurr? That hair rivals the hair on the top of your head right now! It's like Draco Malfoy's hair without the blond.

But Kim has blond hair too!

Not like that, god! Go away!

No seriously, that. hair.

No look at that hair.

It's beautiful. Okay. It just is.

Like, seriously, that beautiful bouncy hair; you're wondering how they keep it so well done. I've tried it and I look like a hot mess. But their hair can stay perfect anytime, anywhere. Even when it looks like a box of Crayola crayons just threw up on it.

Now that's a shame. Come on. That. Hair. I just wanna touch it! (NO. Only Kim is allowed to touch that hair! And on occasions, Jerry.)

**Two, black belts**

Dude, have you noticed that Rudy has only two students that are black belts, let alone a boy and a girl? They're definitely a match made for heaven. Don't try to play me with Kim being better off with Ricky Weaver! Gurl, please. He's Justin Bieber without the weed and the ugly gauges - or whatever he has in his ears.

_Please._

And ew, really? Are you trying to say that Kim and Jerry Martinez are a match made in heaven? (Bitch, is you _Sirius_?) No. Just. No. Say it with me. NO. He's not a black belt. He isn't even an orange belt! (Seriously. How did Eddie get his orange belt, and not Jerry? He has moves!) So wah?

Black belts.

But seriously, black belts. Don't you think? Black. Belts.

**Three, good looks**

Holy Christmas balls, that Jack Brewer has some genes on him. He's hawt!

Ew, why did I just say that? (_Because you're a lesbian Kick shipper, duh!_)

But Kim's hot too, right? Two hot people have to date each other all the time. Of course. The rules in the book say you date each other, because you're hot. You just are. (Just **do** it!)

Anyway, why are they so hot? I mean, Kim has a nice body and so does Jack... They have nice hair (already said!) and they are fit. Oh, maybe that's why they're hot and their fan base are full of **fat bitches**—woah, let's not go there.

But if you're skinny and fit, ship Kick.

(Is that what I'm really saying?)

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reason #2: 'cause Milton David Krupnick sees it, and apparently Joan.

Warning - If you dare, Milton will claw your eyes out. He's the King Kick shipper. And Joan is Queen.

_If you haven't noticed, I'm Milton Krupnick, and I'm the biggest Kick shipper you guys have ever known. I know what's up with my farm homegirl and mister kick-it-kick-it-chop-chop._

_Wait, what? Someone's trying to out-Kick me? Is she _serious_?_

_Girl, _please_. Calm your boobs._

_I've known both Jack and Kim longer than all of you! And when I see true love, I see Jack and Kim. (and my girlfriend Julie, but that's not important.)_

_Yeah, I was the one who asked Jack how him and Kim were doing. It takes an awesome French horn playing yellow belt like me to notice that they are a match made in heaven. People say that they aren't compatible because Kim doesn't deserve Jack._

_Well, actually, that was said by this... thing named Lindsay, who went on a 'date' with Jack just to make my homegirl Kim jealous._

_Hah—she lost! She was all like, "What are you doing? You belong with me!"_

_And Jack was all like, "No, you don't. Kim belongs to me!"_

_Wait, that didn't happen._

_But it will!_

_Oh yeah, and if you haven't noticed, it was both Jack and Kim who went on a double date with my girl Julie (back when she wasn't my girl yet, mind you,) because we love each other so much. Uh huh. She could have asked anyone else to pair up, even... shudder, Jerry, but guess what? It was Jack.  
All along._

_Don't you think so?_

In which Joan interrupts - Wait - why aren't I talking? And how dare you take my kick-it-kick-it-chop-chop? No.

I'm mall cop Joan, and I can obviously see that Kim and mister kick-it-kick-it-chop-chop are destined to marry each other and run off into the great walls of China.

You see, I may not see everything that happens in my mall—

_"That's because you don't." _Milton interrupts_._

Joan frowns - Shut up! I'm talking here!

—but I can see that those two are compatible. Crack, boom, snap and whack - buy my new single. It's dedicated to Shmack and Shmim.

Milton comes back_ - "Shmack and Shmim? What? Joan, can you just stop?"_

Joan boasts - "What? Shmack and Shmim! And buy my new single! Crack boom snap and whack! It's the hit between us awesome Kick shippers!"

_"...Apparently not me," _the king Kick shipper himself frowns.

_._

_._

reason #3: 'cause Grace O'Doherty is a Kick-shipping instigator

Warning - contains spoilers from Karate Games—aw, who am I kidding?

So, you've met Milton and Joan. Well I'm an unnamed source but I've known Jack and Kim for a long time and—

_"Grace! Come clean up this mess!"_

Dang it! Well since my identity was revealed by my stupid father, my name is Grace O'Doherty. Yeah, I know the skateboarder with the double moles that are just so... naughty, has a thing for Kim. No shit.

I'm like an awesome cheerleader, duh. I also have an interest in Jerry and Eddie, apparently (_ew_.)

But no one knows that I spied on my buddy Kim and Jack when they went to Hollywood to be on that movie Karate Games. I paid that Sylvester Stallone look a like to set them up and get them to kiss on top of the Hollywood sign.

It would have happened if it weren't for them meddlin' kids—wait, wrong.

I mean, it would have happened if he hadn't cut himself! Stupid idiot! I would've gotten a picture of them and be excited about my accomplishment. And maybe my father would have a reason to keep the computer in my room—

_"Grace! What did I tell you to do?"_

I'm ignoring you, dad.

The way they pretended it didn't happen pissed me off even more! So I hooked up Kim with this other guy when they stopped talking. I wanted Jackson Brewer to get so **jealous** that he would have to break every table in the cafeteria. But no - he plays it safe.

How **dare** he?

I did not expect that to happen! You know he would have been chopping a table in half... or two, if he knew what was best for him.

Wait a minute - what? They went on a date? YES! The things Kimberly Crawford shares on Facebook. Shame, isn't it? Haha, wow. Eighteen likes.

Hmmm... that nerd Milton, his girlfriend Julie, Eddie, Jerry, some guy named Rudy, that lonely mall cop Joan, FALAFEL PHIL? Huh, Clare from Swathmore, don't care, don't care, Frank, don't care...

And me! *clicks like*

And comments, GIRL. DETAILS. NOW.

_"GRACE!"_

_._

_._

reason #4: 'cause Jack ain't gay (Bisexual, maybe.)

Warning - slash readers may hate this. Wait, I'm a slash reader.

Seriously, I'm getting tired of those damn sporadic stories on that have ships like Jack and Jerry. Like dude, seriously? No.

Here's Jerry to ponder in more about it!

**What it do, Kick shippers? Haha, I know, I'm awesome, aren't I?**

**I'm here to tell you all about my buddy Jack and... Kim. They're okay, I guess. I mean, they were getting closer as season two progressed. But what the fans don't know is that Jack's been living a double life!**

**I mean, we are a match made in heaven! Not... those two!**

**But seriously, Jack and me, are so gay for each other. Like last night, he was screaming daddy while I—**

That's enough from Jerry! Okay... since we have no one else to prove that our sexymegafoxyawesomehot boy that is Jack Bre—

**"I swear to god, sometimes we use the place mats for—"**

And apparently Jack comes in with - _"I swear to Bobby Wasabi, if you don't shut up about our coital—oh, hey Kick shippers! How's it going? Yeah, this is Jack, and I'm not gay, okay? I like Kim. She's the one for me. She's sweet, and awesome, and just a really nice girl, and I hope we get another date during Kickin' It season three, because if we don't—"_

Jerry scowls, **"Dude, you're just going to deny your feelings for me?"**

_"I told you this, Jerry. It was a one time thing!"_ Jack half-asses, which angers that Kick shippers.

**"But what about that one time, with the—"**

So you two did have a one time thing! Watch out, but I think the Kick shippers are outraged. Get 'em, girls!

.

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reason #5: 'cause Jacky loves his Kimmy: A poem by our beloved Eddie Jones

Warning - fluff. Like, it's sunshines, rainbows, and Fluttershies everywhere. Look elsewhere if you don't want none of this.

Awwwww, wook at wittle Jacky and Kimmy.

Sitting upon a tree.

Wait, are they kissing?

Oh no, they aren't. Kimmy's looking all googly eyed at some baby falcons and their angry mother is back. Jacky's just gonna sit there and not save his wittle girlfriend or anything.

Yeah that's right, she deserved it. Right Jacky?

Uh huh. Jump off the tree.

And catch her with your super Saiyan strength.

And look into each other's eyes.

And lovingly kiss each other without a care in the world.

Tell her you love her, because you just don't give a shit, that's she's covered in falcon feathers. She's still pretty to you. You're probably turned on that's she's so vulnerable, right?

Wrong.

Just playing! Jacky's laughing up a storm, and Kimmy's glaring at him, with a hint in her eye that says RUN.

He's still laughing, and guess what, she pounces on him.

END

Well, that was a stupid poem. Gosh Eddie, get a life! You're so concerned about Jack and Kim now that you're trying to reenact that scene in your episode that was all about you and make it into a Kick scene. Dude, just no. The Kickin' It Creators are not bringing you back. You weren't a believable Kick shipper. This is what you get for being a Jerry and Kim shipper. That's just wrong! God, we all know that Jerry has the hots for Grace! Or Jack, or whoever. Whatever.

Just go on!

GIT!

And tell your friends about Kick.

But seriously we all know that Jacky loves his Kimmy. Jack + Kim. Yack + Kam. Shmack + Shmim. Brewer + Crawford. Jackson + Kimberly.

Deal with it.

Eddie wasn't believable. So they kicked him out, oppa Kickin Style. (See what I did there? Oh yeah, new dance craze! TAKE THAT, PSY!)

Who's next on the list? Rudy? Phil? Principal Bucket?

Girl, please. This is the fifth reason to ship Kick. We ain't kickin' nobody else out. But why? The reason is, and I quote for the umpteenth time: Jacky loooooooves his Kimmy. More than how Phil loves Tootsie. Or how Shaggy loves Scooby. Or how Siri hates me right now because I keep persuading her to ship Kick and she just wants to play me with Jarry.

Ugh, that slash-loving b!tch.

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reason #6: 'cause Rudy and Ty have a bet and a bromance

Warning - more slash. And a Victorious reference.

Wanna know the real reason why the Black Dragons and the Wasabi Warriors are at war? No, not because of Kim changing affiliates. Nah, none of that shit.

You see, the senseis Rudy and Ty were pretty close back in the day, so close that you would think that they were so gay for each other. But they were... for a short period of time.

You see, Disney doesn't want you to know this because well... It's Disney for crying out loud! They would never accept acts of homosexuality on their shows because of angry moms who will protest against it. Gotta love angry moms, 'cause you'll totes turn gay when you see Rudy and Ty making out in a corner. Don't worry, Nickelodeon does the same thing (although I wouldn't talk for Spongebob... And that episode of Victorious where Tori and Jade had a 'date'. Everyone knew that Sikowitz wished to _pair them up together_.)

So I'm here to tell you what the writers originally wanted to do with the two senseis who are totes hot for each other.

Yup, they had a thing, back in college! Oh god, they were like... ugh, do I have to say it, they were like how Jack and Jerry used to be behind closed doors. (But seriously, that one time—) they never spoke of it again after they had a fallout and Rudy was all like, BOBBY WASABI

**like ew, he got fat**

And I quote from Rudy, _"What! Don't be dissing on Bobby Wasabi like that! He's beautiful!"_

After that, they just started to battle each other and stuff. Like ohmehgewd, Bobby Wasabi versus Black Dragons!

Then Jack comes into town, and Rudy's all like, oh, he's so going to date Kim sooner or later.

But Ty, being the condescending person he is, denies that it's going to happen.

So they make a bet; if Rudy wins, the Black Dragons are no more. If Ty wins, Jack and Kim will be transferring to the Black Dragons, as well as Milton and Jerry. (What, no Eddie? Didn't you forget? He was thrown out, oppa Kickin Style.)

But since Rudy's dating that hot teacher Miss Applebalm (who cares how it's spelt!) we've seen a very jealous sensei Ty. Yup. He's jealous. So jealous, that he wants to grab Rudy and thrust him against the wall—

I thought we were keeping this strictly T! Ugh, you people make me sick.

This is why we can't have nice things!

I WANT NICE THINGS!

Nice things are nice! And we can't have Rudy and Ty begging for each other because that's just wrong on so many levels. I mean, they're old and rusty and just... NO. Plus they would be fired or something; I mean, not even Ellen Degeneres can be in a commercial for more than ten seconds. Sickening, huh?

Julie would have to make sure she's not a part of that family anymore. And maybe, just maybe, Jack and Kim would love each other and kiss, and hug, and fu—I mean, sit on that tree. Yup. Because Jacky loves his Kimmy.

Seems like Rudy's winning the bet. Say goodbye Black Dragons! Muahhahaha.

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reason #7: 'cause the falafels give us visions

Warning - psychedelic falafels (I was inspired by Victorious)

Baaaaaaah! (Do not eat the falafels.)

Tootsie! What did I tell you about interfering? Go back to the kitchen! Go go go go go go! Hello there, want some falafel? My name is Phil, and my restaurant is right across from the dojo that Rudy owns. I've known both Jack and Kim since they've been coming to my restaurant, and they seem pretty close for a bunch of 'friends'. Please, they are more than that!

Baaaaaaaah! (I'm warning you Philly. Don't eat the falafels.)

TOOTSIE! Not now! Sorry. That was my goat... needy that one.

No falafel? What's wrong with you people? Fine, I can eat my own food!

Anyway... woah. These taste great! Wow! Okay, I see Jack and Kim coming to my restaurant so you people... What is this? So much colors! My restaurant doesn't have that much colors!

And why did Jack and Kim turn into a pony and a unicorn? Where are my customers?

TOOTSIE! Did you put something in the falafels?

That goat always has to do something with the... where's my goat? Why is there a five winged beast in my kitchen?

Wait - what was I talking about?

We interrupt this program for a public service announcement.

_**Hello. This is the Meatball King. And I demand you to buy my meatballs—!**_

Shit, wrong tape.

Oh, this is the real one!

**_There's going to be a new season of Kickin' it! And you're going to see a lot happening! A new student! Tension between Jack and Kim! And... Ohmehgewd, Joan gets a real date with a real person! Mind blown!_**

"Really?" The Kick fans roar.

"Calm your tits! None of this is going to happen! We're just trying to fix a very high Falafel Phil here!" Someone replies.

Alright, back to the program!

Sorry, my goat here served me the falafels that give me visions. Anyway, as long as they keep buying my falafel, I don't care if they get married and run off into the great walls of China!

Although they wouldn't be back to buy my falafel... what I'm trying to say is that you need to enjoy that Jack and Kim are finally realizing their feelings for each other. It's better that way. Come to the Kick world... we have falafels.

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reason #8: 'cause Leo, Olivia, and Dylan are better Kick shippers than you are

Warning - contains real sayings from the actors. Haha, who am I kidding, this is a parody! And siriusly, you're not safe on fanfiction.

Like ohmehgewd, did you actually believe that these actors give a shit that there's Kick? Do you think that any of the actors would read your FanFictions and get excited that they are just like you?

Seriously. Going as far as shipping Leolivia. (Lol.)

No.

Just.

**NO.**

They're friends. How would I know? Cause I'm a fan, and the kids like it. (Aw yeah.)

Girl, please. They are secret Kick shippers (pshhhh, better than you all.) I bet you Olivia is reading this right now, sharing this on her Facebook, telling everyone to read this because she obviously ships Kick and she knows that this is a banging ten step program to ship Kick. (Siriusly)

And Leo's reading this right now because he's a sixteen year old (or seventeen. all I know is that he's younger than me), bored out of his mind, and he finds anything amusing right now. (Because his mentality is older than mine) I mean, who wouldn't? I'm not finding this amusing though.

Dude, and we all know that Dylan wants some of the action. Of course he does (That's right.) He's a Kick shipper, and he plays Milton, for fuck's sake! Milton's a Kick shipper. Duh. Whatever.

Of course the creators know about your carnal desires, Kick shippers. You don't think they get potential ideas of upcoming episodes from their talent, right? Please. The Degrassi writers get ideas from their fans (serious chiz.) The Kickin' It creators should too.

Although what should they do for this? Hm. Make a book about it! Oh yeah. I can see it now. Ten Swasome Reasons Why You Should Ship Kick, by Hannah Thomas (hah, a pseudonym.)

Here are some actual quotes from the actual writers and actors (no siriusly)

_We are so going to be fired. _- the creators whisper while writing this down.

_I ship Kick!_ - The awesome, talented, and sweet Olivia Holt tweets from her phone.

_I think that our fans are crazier that we are when it comes to Jack and Kim. _- Dylan claims from his Facebook.

_Dude. Just as long as I'm kissing Olivia, I don't care._ - the sexually frustrated Leo says in his prime.

Oh my god... Sue me before I post my ninth reason to ship Kick.

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reason #9: 'cause you're still here (Seriously, just cut and run.)

Warning - slash again (because my OTP is Merry and **nothing** matters.) and Mean Girls.

And since everyone is still here, I'm just gonna let Jerry take over this one last time. He's swasome okay.  
So, like whatever. Sorry I was going off on you guys about me and Jack. That never happened. Jack and I were never intimate. But I will tell you something else that's totally true.

Yeah. Let me tell you something about Jack Brewer. We were best friends in middle school. I know, right? It's so embarrassing. I don't even... Whatever. So then in eighth grade, I started going out with my first boyfriend Milton who was totally gorgeous but then he moved to New York, and Jack was like, weirdly jealous of him. Like, if I would blow him off to hang out with Milton, he'd be like, "Why didn't you call me back?" And I'd be like, "Why are you so obsessed with me?" So then, for my birthday party, which was an all-guys pool party, I was like, "Jack, I can't invite you, because I think you're in love with Kim." I mean I couldn't have a heterosexual at my party. There were gonna be guys there in their *bathing suits*. I mean, right? He was a _HETEROSEXUAL_. So then his mom called my mom and started yelling at her, it was so retarded. And then he dropped out of school and moved to Colorado because no one would talk to him, and he came back in the fall for high school, all of his hair was cut off and he was totally weird, and now I guess he's on crack.

What the hell... JERRY CAESAR MARTINEZ.

JUST NO.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU.

Ugh. _Maricones_ these days.

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reason #10: 'cause the Jarry fans and Eddie are livid and we can't have that.

Warning - contains more (halfhearted) Jarry and Eddie bashing. Beware. And Pirates of the Caribbean, and Scott Pilgrim references.

Ugh, this is the last part of the ten reasons why to ship Kick. You should be shipping Kick right about now! So flip you if you're not sailing with us on the large-ass Kick ship boat. (Seriously, we're larger than the Royal Caribbean.)

Like, just yesterday, we just had our first battle.

And Captain Jack quoted, "STOP BLOWING HOLES IN MY SHIP!"

That goes for you, Jack/Jerry Fans. And Eddie. You just mad because no one else would recognize you people. Flip off.

"But why?" Both Jack, Jerry, and Eddie whine like the little bitches they are.

Ugh, we just had this discussion, bisexual!Jack. You're obviously in lesbians with Kim. And Eddie, just go away! The creators kicked you out, oppa Kickin Style. *cue music*

Oppa Kickin Style!

Heeeeeey, Kick shippers!

Op. op op op op oppa Kickin Style!

What am I doing?

Oh, yeah. Well, Jack and Kim are so in lesbians with each other, that we decide to bring in our guest person, Bobby Wasabi.

Wait - what? He isn't coming? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE? I GAVE YOU A SIMPLE FUC—

We interrupt this program for a public service announcement.

**_Kickin' It Awards! Oh yeah! Fans, it's your time to shine! Tune in Disney XD so all of you can watch the awesomeness that is the Kickin' It Awards. We'll be handing out awards for Best Kick, Best Jack-centric, Best Original Fic, Best Author—_**

Wait a minute... Wrong tape! Ugh, that was for later! No one was supposed to know about that! Ugh. Must you people ruin everything?!

Well we're back anyway.

Bobby Wasabi is not here, but he says that all of you should ship Kick. Like, he just called us and said that he would sit on every non-Kick shipper. Dude, ship Kick. It's not a joke anymore. He will sit on you and you will not breathe.

Now if Milton, Jerry, Eddie's (stupid) poem, Joan's song, Bobby's threat, Rudy and Ty's bet, and all of that don't make you ship Kick, then something is deathly wrong with you and I will be finding you. Oh, we gon' find you.

And the Wasabi Warriors yell - **ain't nobody got time fo' dat!**

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My last words:

I would like to thank the Wasabi Warriors - Jack, Kim, Eddie, Milton, and Jerry. I would deeply love to thank the lovely actors Olivia Holt and Leo Howard. There would be no Kickin' It, or Kick, or Leolivia, without you guys. AND I WOULD LIKE TO THANK MY AWESOME KICK FANBASE! (not really.)

Until next time, America!

(Bitch, you're not Maury. Go to bed before you get sued.)

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**Oh my god, are you still here? Lol, thanks for reading! Muah x**


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